New York is not really the slowest place in the world to live. I know this comes as no surprise to you, whether you live here or not.
The past few months have felt like the busiest months of my life–long hours at work as my department grows really quickly. Taking on more responsibility at Junior League. Training for a marathon. Writing this blog.
Yes, three out of those four things are things I don’t *have* to do, but they’re all rewarding enough, in their own ways, to keep doing them.
Yes, all of those things are also outlets for stress relief–especially the running. I have amazing friends and an amazing family as a support system, and I certainly know my problems could be much worse…
But I’ve been struggling with anxiety lately, and this week it finally hit its chest-tightening, heart-racing apex.
Monday night, I had an awful anxiety attack, and Tuesday morning I woke up and not even a run helped. I got to work and tried to calm down, and I told myself mentally to put things in perspective, and honestly, I believed myself.
But I couldn’t control the racing of my heart and mind and my chest tightened so much that I could barely breathe. I ZocDoc-ed an appointment with my primary care doctor and somehow managed to walk over. I like her a lot, and she’s usually great, but I ended up having to wait for half an hour to see her, which, you know, didn’t really help with the anxiety. The nurse took my blood pressure, and it was 150/90.
She came in and didn’t believe my blood pressure was really 150/90, so she took it again. It was still 140/something. We started talking, she handed me a prescription for Xanax, and I looked up at her and started sobbing. I’m generally not a crier at all–except for at weddings and sappy movies–so this was terribly out of character for me.
She stayed and talked to me for a few minutes, and assured me that many people go through this at some point, and it was okay–and that this, too, would pass. She told me to sit in her office for as long as I needed to and suggested I call a friend or family to be with me. I called one of my best friends and she met me at Duane Reade, where I was dropping off my prescription. I took one look at her, too, and burst into big, sloppy tears on her really cute shirt. She totally took over bugging the pharmacist for my prescription and talking to my parents for me, while I stood there, just a little numb (and this was before the Xanax.)
We walked back to my apartment, stopping at Energy Kitchen to grab me something to eat for lunch, and she made fun of me for still trying to get something healthy even in the middle of an anxiety attack…so I got their baked fries.
My parents came over, and we talked and talked and talked. Another good friend came over when she got out of work, and my little support group really helped. Honestly, it was nothing they said, but just having them there helped more than anything…except for maybe the Xanax.
The doctor recommended I take Wednesday off, too, and so I listened. I woke up feeling guilty that I was taking a sick day when I wasn’t physically sick, but then I remembered that the anxiety was actually manifesting itself physically. I treated the day like it was a sick day and, other than searching for a therapist, spent the day doing not much.
If you think you need a therapist, you’re right. I think everyone could benefit from talking to a therapist. Not all of what the therapist said was ground-breaking, but sometimes it’s just easier to hear it from an impartial professional. Many insurance companies include behavioral health benefits now, so therapy can generally be no more expensive than your copay–and so, so so worth it, since mental stress can lead to so many more physical problems. (Caitlin wrote a post a few months ago that got some great comments on therapy and finding a therapist.)
As I walked with the therapist from the reception desk back to her office–a walk that felt interminable–I wondered if I really needed to be there. I sat down and thought what I was about to say might come out sounding stupid…and then I realized that there’s nothing stupid about admitting you need a little help. I left her office feeling much calmer–and like I had the beginnings of an action plan to get my stress under control.
I’m telling you this because I believe that we need to remove the stigma associated with therapy and discussing mental health. It’s okay to feel this way sometimes. I’d rather not, obviously, but it doesn’t make me a bad person, or a damaged person, just someone who needs a little help right now. And one who’s getting it from wonderful family and friends and a lovely therapist.
And if you’re feeling this way, or if you’re struggling, and you need someone to talk to, please consider therapy–or even just dropping me an email if you need someone to listen to you.
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I'm sorry that things kind of got to be too much, but I'm glad you found help and you have a support group.
You're really great for sharing this. It will make other people that need some help, feel better about asking for help.
I hope things are easing up for you now.
@Linda: Thanks. Honestly, just realizing it was okay to ask for help was a big help in and of itself.
THIS is why I will continue to read your blog as long as you write it. Bravo for your honesty. I so admire you for this.
@Rebecca: Thanks :) If sharing this helped even one person, it was worth it. Even though, you know, my heart started racing a bit again before posting. :)
I absolutely love your honesty in this post. I saw a therapist a few times when I was in high school and unfortunately, I said everything right to get out of there as quickly as possible (it was clearly against my will). Since then, I've had a couple times where I thought about going to one (I even called a place for an over-the-phone screening) and for me, just getting to the point where I think I need to, or want to, or just consider it is huge for me. Despite having seen one before, I'm still dealing with the stigma myself and honestly, I think it's silly. I agree, it's totally okay to ask for help!
@Katie @ Talk Less, Say More: No stigma. It's totally fine. Promise! But I absolutely understand. There have been a few times over the past few years I've thought about calling a therapist and ultimately talked myself out of it. It's. okay. Also, booking online helped me a ton with making the process a bit easier to swallow.
I am very thankful that my insurance covers behavioral health and that it is not so expensive to see a therapist. I literally was making myself sick and one day snapped so bad my dad called the therapist for me, made the appointment and literally walked me into her direct office before leaving. I was terrified to open up to a complete stranger but today it makes me a stronger person.
PS. You are an inspiration! Keep up the amazing Marathon & Volunteer Work!
@Tracy Schwartz: Yes, the telling the complete stranger part was terrifying when I first opened my mouth! And thanks for the kind words :)
Amen!! Good for you for going to see your PCP, being honest enough with her for her to be able to give you some good advice, for reaching out to your friends and family for help, and for actually feeling, not numbing it!
You're fortunate to have found a therapist you like on the first try. I think it's important for people to know that it's perfectly acceptable to try out therapists--and if you aren't connecting, don't make another appointment, try someone else. You won't hurt their feelings, they won't take it personally. What they really want for you is to be able to do whatever work you need to do to feel better, and they know more so than anyone that it takes relationship to do that. If you don't click, keep going until you find someone you do click with!
I think it's brave and authentic of you to share your struggles along your journey. We all have them, no need to pretend we don't. Just keep taking good care of yourself!
I so appreciate your courage to share this post. Every one does need a little help sometimes. You're a star...keep on keeping on!
Bravo to you! For recognizing your symptoms as unhealthy,taking the necessary steps to get help, and actually listening to your doc's recommendations. BRAVO! I am so, so glad that you were strong enough to seek help from both professionals and friends/family-they are definitely more effective together :) Thank you for writing about and sharing your experience. I work in the mental health field and agree that everyone needs to work on reducing the stigma of addressing mental health. People applaud others for going on diets, exercising, and taking charge of their physical health. Why not encourage the same attention to our mental health as well?
I struggle a lot with anxiety, and finding the right therapist has changed my life. It doesn't necessarily change that I am the same anxiety prone person, and I still experience it more often than I would like, but it has changed my entire mentality and how I deal with it in the moment. It's taught me a lot, and helped me to realize that the little things can sometimes add up to big things, and there's no written rule for how "big" something needs to be to affect you. I'm really glad you shared about this, and that you are letting people in your life help you. Asking for help is so hard, but it helps to remember how awesome it feels to be that source of help for someone else. You are giving your friends and family a gift by letting them be there to support you! I hope that doesn't sound like a Hallmark card. This, and so many of your posts just hit home with me. Thanks for your honesty!
Thank you for writing this, Theodora! I had a rough patch exactly a year ago, that sounds similar to what you are going through now. I talked to a therapist for a few months, and it was extremely helpful for me. Before that, I never thought I would "need" a therapist or even be able to benefit from one, but I found out that I was very wrong! I learned some great strategies for managing stress, and re-evaluated my priorities. I hope you have similar success.
I really admire you sharing this on a public forum. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I only ever told my boyfriend, and one close friend that I was attending therapy. In retrospect, I wish I would have opened up to more people. I applaud you for doing so!
Thank you so much for writing this. I have read your blog for a very long time (I live in Aus!) but have never commented but today I just had to. I have just come from seeing my doctor this morning and in a similar method, totally broke down. Things have been getting to me more than they should and I've been teary and anxious for 8 weeks or more now - today I finally went to talk about it. I thought I was going to feel like a 'failure' coming out with a prescription for medication and a referral to a therapist, but my doctor was amazing and explained how common it is and even said that I was 'brave' to come in and talk. You should feel the same way - brave and inspiring. Reading this post could not have come at a better time for me. I'm one of the ones you've helped by writing it - thank you so much and continue being you <3 x Ella