The other day, I read this beautiful post by Jordan at Ramshackle Glam, and it inspired me to share my own story. I’ve been thinking for a while about if I wanted to share this, but if what I write helps just one person feel like they’re not alone, then it’s worth it.
A few years ago, I started experiencing intense anxiety. I think I’ve always been a baseline kind of anxious person, but I was navigating some difficult situations at the time, and I didn’t have solid coping mechanisms in place, and the anxiety became more than I could handle. The weight of my negative thoughts was crushing. I started seeing a therapist then, and she helped me get through that difficult time.
I started my current job nearly two years ago (!), and stopped going to therapy. I had the perfect job for me, and I was working with amazing people that I had the utmost respect for and really cared about. I had great friends. On the outside, everything looked great. Yet that familiar anxiety came creeping back in and I started going to therapy again last May.
The fact that everything was so good in my life, but I still felt this crippling anxiety was frustrating. I knew how lucky I was, yet I couldn’t reconcile that with all of my fears that I wasn’t good enough. When I began therapy last year, most of our sessions focused on things that had happened that week and my reaction to them, and why, generally how I was thinking about these situations was maladaptive. Several months into therapy, my therapist suggested I see a psychiatrist to consider medication. Last summer, the psychiatrist tried to prescribe me an antidepressant, but I wasn’t open to it at the time and instead got a prescription for a low dosage of Klonopin, an anti-anxiety medication.
I was afraid of a medicine I had to take every day. I was afraid of what that meant, and I was afraid of the side effects. I didn’t think things were that bad that I needed an antidepressant. I took the Klonopin nearly every day, but I didn’t really like it. I felt either too sedated, or I felt nothing.
Around the holidays last year, I got into a funk that I was never able to shake. As I continued working through stuff in therapy, that anxiety was replaced by depression. Both my therapist and psychiatrist have explained that that’s actually really common — the anxiety is often masking the underlying depression. I wrote a few months ago about what was going on behind the Instagram photos, and the truth is I continued like that for a few more months, feeling numb inside. I was having a hard time focusing, and I just wanted to withdraw.
Again, my therapist suggested I look into medication, and this time, I listened. Even if they took a while to start working, I felt that I’d be on the path to feeling better. I started taking Wellbutrin in late July, and I only wish I’d started it earlier. It’s worked like a charm for me — that numb feeling is gone, and my mood just feels more stable. Those negative thoughts that used to take hold and ruin my day or week as I obsessed over them now barely faze me. All those things we’d discussed in therapy that I grasped intellectually but couldn’t grasp emotionally are much clearer now.
I had such reservations about taking medicine, and what I thought that meant. That I was crazy. That I couldn’t cope with things the way other people could. But all it really means is there’s something going on up there, and I’m just using another tool in my arsenal to fix it.
If you’re feeling this way, too, I just want you to know that you’re not alone.
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Theodora although we've never met, I'm one of your biggest fans and I'm loving your openness. I believe removing the stigma is a starting point for mental wellness. The more people share, those suffering will benefit in knowing they are not alone. If you were diabetic, you'd take insulin. We need more people to hear they are not crazy for taking medication. Today's post took a lot of guts and I'm proud of you for sharing.
Chrissy, this is so sweet, thank you!
Thanks for sharing. I've also struggled with depression, and asking for help was the hardest and most important thing I've done for myself.
This is an interesting post, thanks for sharing. For those who don't experience it, chronic anxiety is super hard to understand. I have a few friends and a new SIL who also deal with it on a regular basis, and I always struggle to know what to say when they are going through bad times. What I'm seeing now is that they all share a lot of the same characteristics that you describe. From the outside, it seems they have great lives...but they seem so unhappy.
And it's frustrating for me because my situation is the total opposite...I have a mediocre and unfulfilling career and can't for the life of me figure out how to find a job that I feel good about, I have tons of friendly acquaintances but few close friends who really know me, nothing really happening on the romantic front, and I'm realizing that some of the things that I wanted in my life just aren't going to happen for me. But I'm not anxious, depressed, or overwhelmingly unhappy. I wish I could change just about everything in my life, sure, but overall I'm pretty well adjusted for someone who is not inspiring social media envy of any kind.
Totally agree that there should be NO stigma regarding medication. If there were pills that would help with some of my problems, I'd swallow them by the fistful.
Sharing things like this can be so tough but also can help so many people. I've struggled with anxiety on and off for years too. I've been in denial lately about how bad it's been and reading this post reminds me that there is no shame in asking for help. Thank you <3
Thanks — I'm glad it was helpful
Theresa, thank you for this brave post. I have always appreciated that you don't over share on the blog but you are real enough that I really feel like I get who you are. I too have struggled with anxiety for most of my life. I am back in therapy to help manage this issues along with some other life challenges. I was on medication a few years ago. While it really helped with the anxiety it left me feeling very 'muted' with all of my other feelings. I had no motivation to exercise and put on a bunch of weight which I am just now finally taking off. We have been talking lately about trying it again but I am pushing hard not to- I'm scared of feeling like I am losing all of my emotions again. I think the universe seny me your post so I can try to be open to this option- I know I need it. Thank you.
On my word- my phone auto corrected your name to the wrong one! Ah. Sorry.
Thanks! This comment means a lot — after I posted, I asked two friends if they thought I'd overshared and both said no. What I was trying to get across was how I was feeling without exposing too much of myself personally. I hope you can find some peace, too
I love how open and honest you are. I go from general constant worry to debilitating, shaking on the floor panic, and it can definitely rob you of the life you are meant to live. A good chunk of my panic was solved by cutting out caffeine and hard alcohol and making sure my blood sugar didn't crash; that always sent me into a terrible anxiety attack. Now I am working on the general stuff where I worry constantly. Not easy, but good to know we are not alone.
@Meghan: Yes! As much as I love both coffee and wine, I know too much of either puts me in a bad place.
brave of you to post! Be proud of yourself! I had to take medication after I had my son. I completely understand how you felt about the situation and how you feel now. There are people in my own family who I couldn't tell! I'm so glad people are beginning to open up about anxiety and depression and the fact that sometimes medication is the best answer. You are helping so many people with your post!
SO glad you posted about this! We've "talked" (emailed and commented) back and forth about it, and I'm really glad you were able to write about it. It's hard, there is definitely still a stigma there, but the more it's discussed the more it helps! I hope the Wellbutrin keeps working for you!
@Mary: I want to thank *you* for being so open on your blog and supportive via email. It made it easier for me to share
Your "rawness" is admirable. Thank you for sharing and making some of us feel "normal" for dealing with mental illness.
These honest soul revealing posts are terrifying to share and know if we are truly getting the words right, but you've done it. Know that you're brave heart will help many!!