I had no idea how good I had it.
My first 31 holiday seasons were blissfully simple. Sure, there was some drama here and there, because what’s a family without drama? But there was an abundance of everything: love, food, gifts. My parents were together, and we spent every holiday with extended family, too.
All of that changed three years ago when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We spent that Thanksgiving crying into our sweet potatoes as we all feared her road ahead, though she had a good prognosis at the time. We were all in total shock. I had no idea that would be the last Thanksgiving I’d spend with her.
The following year, we’d just learned that her cancer had returned after a brief remission. I remember going to my cousin’s alone for the holiday, while my mom laid sick on the couch. Larger than life, my mom was already missed that day, even though she was still alive. Last year, my angel of a best friend accompanied me home to spend the day with my dad and extended family. We toasted my mom with her favorite wine, a sickly sweet German Riesling, as we went around the table sharing our favorite memories of her, through big, hot tears. The music switched to Christmas music at the end of dinner, and with those first sparkling notes of the season came the profoundly deep, raw pain that was nearly as deep as her initial loss.
This will be my second Thanksgiving without her on this earth, the second Thanksgiving of the rest of my life. They say all the “firsts” are the hardest, and I hope they are right, whoever they are.
Here’s what I plan to do to get through, and some ideas for you if you’re in a similarly difficult situation:
Reading
Grief Is a Change Agent (Modern Loss): I love this idea of turning your grief into a force for good. In a smaller way, this is what I hope to do through my writing, but I’m always thinking about other ways to use my experience to help others through this pain.
Pleasure Isn’t Happiness (Furthermore): Oh, this is TOO GOOD. I’m pretty sure we’ve all been guilty of chasing moments of pleasure en route to happiness, but this is a valuable reminder to not conflate pleasure with happiness.
The Next Chapter (Atelier Dore): This is about a breakup, but man—it applies to any situation. There’s one part that talks about being told congratulations for the breakup. After being laid off last year, I had drinks with a former leader of that company, and when I sat down, she said “Congratulations, Theodora—I’m so excited for what this means for your next chapter.” I could appreciate the sentiment at the time, but the sentiment is even deeper today.
If you’re also going through a potentially tough holiday season from grief, Claire Bidwell Smith’s newsletter is priceless—she’s doing a special series about coping during the holidays.
What about you? What are your challenges getting through the holidays?
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I try to do what is best for me (and not others). So that meant skipping church tonight even though I knew my grandma would really appreciate me going (I have a cold and am cranky, it wasn't going to go well). But I'm also going to workout before the family meal tomorrow. And made my own plans for the weekend, without waiting for others to initiate.
Wow.. Thanks, Theodora for your openness in sharing your experiences in how one can cope with the passing of their love ones.
It helps me to look at things with a different perspective.
Thanks there and stay strong!
What's getting me through the holidays: self care. Taking space I need (total introvert) to recharge. And reaching out to friends that have consistently been a source of support and encouragement.
I love the articles you linked to, especially Grief is a Change Agent and The Next Chapter. While I haven't gone through the incredible loss of losing a parent, I went through a divorce last year that I really didn't want. At 33, it's totally shaken up my assumptions about what my life is going to be like, and while it's been incredibly painful, it's also been a great opportunity to make some changes (something I have to keep reminding myself of). I have to remember to keep these little insights tucked away when I need a reminder that I can approach my losses as opportunities (as much as that makes me want to scream sometimes)! Thanks for sharing :)
Ah yes, the idea of approaching loss as opportunity is an incredibly annoying one sometimes!!! But...so true. I have a dear friend whose divorce completed just months before I lost my mom, and I certainly have noticed a lot of parallels. Be patient with yourself, too