Like a Butterfly

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve really been going through it with headaches. They’re largely tension headaches, which means that while I don’t usually deal with nausea or light sensitivity, they’re not quite as straightforward to treat—there’s a lot more options for treating migraines than there are tension headaches.

I am getting closer to figuring out some treatment options after exhausting A LOT, but one of the causes of tensions headaches is—you guessed it—tension. Some helpful doctors have said “just reduce stress!” like it’s that easy. As someone who is in grad school/interning/freelance writing during a global pandemic, it’s hard to find opportunities to destress—but I also know I really need to not just for myself but if I want to actually have a career in this field.

My therapist and I have talked about the pressure I (/society) put on myself being part of the pressure I am quite literally feeling in my head—which would be pressing in. But recently I’ve started to picture the energy as trying to burst out.

I’ve been trying to journal more again (these are my fave notebooks to use to journal) to try to unpack more of those feelings myself between therapy sessions, and I just keep thinking of Mexican jumping beans struggling to be contained.

The other night as I lay in savasana, two strong visuals came to mind. The first was a caterpillar going through metamorphosis and busting out of their caterpillar skin (this is probably not actually how it works but stay with me) to become a butterfly. The second was of Superman jumping out of his Clark Kent clothes and into his Superman suit.

There’s something inside of me dying to come out, and I’m not sure what any of it means yet, but it’s there.

(Or maybe my head just literally is about to explode, unclear.)

Weird side notes:

  • in writing this, I learned that jumping beans are actually larvae turning into moths, which tracks with the butterfly thing!
  • there’s a real hole in the market for pretty illustrations of metamorphosis, so if you’re an illustrator, you should get on that
  • this is the most I’ve used the word metamorphosis since third grade science class.

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