Looking Back to Move Forward

Photo by Jermaine Ee on Unsplash

Leaving NYC, my therapist told me, can be like a breakup.

You vilify what you’re leaving behind in order to accept your new reality.

When I moved out of NYC last year, I was all “fuck New York.” The city I’d grown up in the shadow of. The city where I spent my mid 20s to my mid 30s.

I could see all of the pain I experienced there and none of the happiness. But my trip back this weekend was different.

My therapist always reminds me to slow down and let myself feel things, and I took time to do just that this weekend in between stuffing my schedule with plans. I walked over to Central Park and sat down on a bench, intending just to listen to some music or journal a bit.

I was surprised when my eyes started stinging with tears, then filling with them, pouring out of my eyes, before I could identify what was happening. But as I looked out at the runners on the loop, my heart began aching for the old days. When all I had to do was tweet to find a running buddy. When most problems could be solved with a good run. When my mom was waiting for me at finish lines. When everything was less complicated by the layers of life we’ve all experienced.

I walked over to Toloache to meet friends for brunch, and my friend Shannon was the first there. We sat waiting for our table, and I looked at her and told her I’d just been crying in Central Park, missing the old days. Shannon is one of the first close friends I made in NYC, and she has been one of the most unconditional friends…ever? I looked at her and started crying harder, remembering all kinds of old memories.

All those months and years of anger and hatred towards New York City melted away, and I saw all the fun, all the good times I had, too. But a lot has changed since those times, and you can’t go back, only forward.

I was able to open my heart to appreciating my old home and being appreciative and excited for this new life I’m building. NYC will always hold a big piece of my heart, but for right now, I love Santa Monica and the life I’m building there, by the ocean with my sweet little dog, going to grad school to fulfill dreams. Life contains multitudes, and right now, those are loving and missing NYC and being really happy where I currently am.

Full of Love

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

On my yoga retreat, I wrote down that my intention for the year was to be more open-hearted. I was primarily thinking romantically but also being more vulnerable to love all around.

And I am so full of love right now. Honestly, to the point it feels a little weird because my heart has never been this abundantly open before.

As I sat across from my therapist in the sun yesterday, I was filled with love. (OK, hi, also transference.) As my physical therapist sank her fist into my piriformis, I was also still filled with love. (And pain, but I digress.) As I flowed through yoga this morning, I was filled with love. I just want to tell everyone I love them right now?

But there are no coincidences, and I know my mom is behind all of this.

As I was searching my email for something last week, I found an email from her that said “a day without pasta is like a day without sunshine.” (Truth.) Then a comment on a blog post I wrote years ago when I was sick, and she said she’d bring me in soup.

The signs kept coming.

A sign for a wifi password that was “spaghetti.” The next night at Whole Foods, I looked up and saw “Mom’s Chicken Noodle Soup” next to “Nana’s Chicken Soup.” (Nana is what we called my grandma.)

My cousin telling me her mom (my aunt/mom’s sister) had a dream that my mom and nana were together.

Laying in savasana in my favorite deeply soulful yoga class, feeling my mom’s presence all around me and her telling me she was there and she was OK.

I sat shaking in my car, I was so overwhelmed with emotion.

I’m feeling really loved and protected as I’m open-hearted right now.

And, reader, I love you too ❤️