I Don’t Want to Be…

I just posted on Instagram today that I’m not running the NYC Marathon. Embedding the post below for the why.

I don’t want to be the woman who tells you I don’t think I have the strength to run a marathon right now when I’ve been the woman who took more than an hour off of her marathon time.

I don’t want to be the woman who keeps writing about depression when I’ve been the woman who’s felt on top of the world and so happy with her life. Who went to inpatient treatment and moved to her dream place and is still deeply struggling with depression.

I’m scared of what you’ll say. I’ve internalized so much of the mental illness stigma that I can’t just get past things, that I’m weak, that I’m a burden, bla bla bla.

But as much as that’s not the image I want to be sharing—I so desperately want to just be on the other side—that’s who I am right now, and I’m working on accepting that. And for as much as I’d love to be sharing about carefree adventures in California, it’s so important for me to be sharing my truth. It helps me, and as I always say, if it helps just one of you, it’s worth it.

I saw this today, and it so perfectly captures how I’m feeling right now—so happy to be living in California, freelancing, but also still deeply hurting, and working like hell on the healing process.

I’m trying a new depression treatment right now, and it’s really promising. Nothing will cure chronic depression/bipolar/whatever it is I have, but this treatment gives me a lot of hope for a better quality of life, and I’ve seen some of that already. I’ll share more about it when I’m done, but I’m still in the midst of it, and I’m processing it privately before I share it publicly.

But for now, it feels good to be back here again, sharing.

Things I’m Loving Lately

To be honest, I think about this space often but have no idea how to approach it. Over the past 10.5 years, I’ve written about everything from weight loss to running to grief to mental health. I have no idea what lane I’m in any more. (JK it’s the slow one on the freeway; I drive like a grandma.)

But I miss the light posts, it just feels weird to write them when I’ve also written about being hospitalized for depression.

In an effort to get back to some of that, here’s just some materialistic things that have brought me bits of joy lately.

via GIPHY

The Amazon Nightgown: If you follow Grace on Instagram, you know all about this dress, and I’m just a sheep. But it’s a light, breezy dress that’s perfect for running errands and chilly mornings at the beach.

Cuyana Tote: I’m so late on this bandwagon. I’ve had the Madewell Transport Tote forever and loved it, but I wanted a new tote for transporting my laptop when I’m working from cafes.

Speaking of my laptop, I got this case last year, and I get so many compliments on it! Everyone’s always shocked when I tell them it’s a $15 case from Amazon.

Birkenstock Gizehs: I’m late to so many parties here, huh? I definitely dress more casual here than I did in NYC, so it was finally time to get on board, and I wear them to walk all over the place and they are SO COMFY.

Beautycounter Dew Skin: Truth in advertising, this really does make your skin look dewy. It honestly smells a little funny? But I like it anyway.

Olaplex Hair Perfector #3: OK, OK, I’ll buy almost anything Grace posts about. But since I have been highlighting my hair for 20 years and also enjoy heat styling…my hair could use a little more TLC. I tried this yesterday, putting it on damp hair and putting a baseball cap over it for my run, and BABY SOFT hair.

Trader Joe’s Hair Serum: A $4 hair serum? Why the hell not? As I said, I’m not the nicest to my hair, so sometimes it gets a little frizzy. I put on the tiniest bit of this and it smoothed things down. AND, it’s coconut-scented, so it smells like sunscreen, and I’m not mad.

Ice Roller: It’s like a foam roller for your face! Now that I don’t drink much any more, my face is much less puffy than it used to be, but I still love carbs, so my face is still puffier than I’d like sometimes. I put this baby in the freezer, and roll out some of the puffiness. 10/10 would roll again.

Illesteva Sunglasses: I love picking up cheap sunnies (and I LOVE my Goodrs), but when I moved here, I decided I needed a nice pair of sunnies to make it official. The brand is made in Italy, based in NYC, but I bought them on Abbot Kinney in Venice. The arms are really delicate, and I’m afraid every day that I’m going to break them, but so far so good.

#therapyiscool bag: As you know, I’m therapy’s biggest fan. Dr. Christina Iglesia is a therapist in San Francisco who created these bags to encourage conversations about mental health. So far no conversations, though.

What are some things you’re loving lately?