To be honest, I think about this space often but have no idea how to approach it. Over the past 10.5 years, I’ve written about everything from weight loss to running to grief to mental health. I have no idea what lane I’m in any more. (JK it’s the slow one on the freeway; I drive like a grandma.)

But I miss the light posts, it just feels weird to write them when I’ve also written about being hospitalized for depression.

In an effort to get back to some of that, here’s just some materialistic things that have brought me bits of joy lately.

via GIPHY

The Amazon Nightgown: If you follow Grace on Instagram, you know all about this dress, and I’m just a sheep. But it’s a light, breezy dress that’s perfect for running errands and chilly mornings at the beach.

Cuyana Tote: I’m so late on this bandwagon. I’ve had the Madewell Transport Tote forever and loved it, but I wanted a new tote for transporting my laptop when I’m working from cafes.

Speaking of my laptop, I got this case last year, and I get so many compliments on it! Everyone’s always shocked when I tell them it’s a $15 case from Amazon.

Birkenstock Gizehs: I’m late to so many parties here, huh? I definitely dress more casual here than I did in NYC, so it was finally time to get on board, and I wear them to walk all over the place and they are SO COMFY.

Beautycounter Dew Skin: Truth in advertising, this really does make your skin look dewy. It honestly smells a little funny? But I like it anyway.

Olaplex Hair Perfector #3: OK, OK, I’ll buy almost anything Grace posts about. But since I have been highlighting my hair for 20 years and also enjoy heat styling…my hair could use a little more TLC. I tried this yesterday, putting it on damp hair and putting a baseball cap over it for my run, and BABY SOFT hair.

Trader Joe’s Hair Serum: A $4 hair serum? Why the hell not? As I said, I’m not the nicest to my hair, so sometimes it gets a little frizzy. I put on the tiniest bit of this and it smoothed things down. AND, it’s coconut-scented, so it smells like sunscreen, and I’m not mad.

Ice Roller: It’s like a foam roller for your face! Now that I don’t drink much any more, my face is much less puffy than it used to be, but I still love carbs, so my face is still puffier than I’d like sometimes. I put this baby in the freezer, and roll out some of the puffiness. 10/10 would roll again.

Illesteva Sunglasses: I love picking up cheap sunnies (and I LOVE my Goodrs), but when I moved here, I decided I needed a nice pair of sunnies to make it official. The brand is made in Italy, based in NYC, but I bought them on Abbot Kinney in Venice. The arms are really delicate, and I’m afraid every day that I’m going to break them, but so far so good.

#therapyiscool bag: As you know, I’m therapy’s biggest fan. Dr. Christina Iglesia is a therapist in San Francisco who created these bags to encourage conversations about mental health. So far no conversations, though.

What are some things you’re loving lately?

I’ve run more than 30 half-marathons, so why did this one feel like my first?

The last time I ran a half, my mom was alive. That was only two years ago, but it feels like lifetimes ago. I’ve been through so much since then, and man, does your body hold on to emotions. (If you’ve ever cried in savasana, you know what I mean.)

Running has not come easy to me in some time. I’ve been trying to pick apart why to solve it: weight gain? age? medication side effects? The answer probably lies in a combination of all of these.

But my therapist constantly reminds me that it’s great just that I’m getting out there, which is honestly hard to hear to someone who’s used to doing more than just “getting out there.” Someone who’s used to running farther, faster, etc. etc. I’m not that person any more, though.

And yet I still wanted to run a half marathon. To prove to myself I still could—that there was still this vestige of my old life, of glimmers of joy. I ran the Women’s Run Series Half Marathon in Long Beach earlier this month.

The race started at Shoreline Aquatic Park, and parking was easy in a nearby garage (since this is a thing I have to worry about now?). The race was pretty small, so the port-a-potty lines were delightfully short.

It started at 8:20, which was nice for sleeping in purposes, but not so nice for not-running-in-the-sun purposes. The sun was already blazing by the time we started.

I’ve been running long runs roughly around a 10:45-11:00 pace, so I lined up with the 2:30 pacer, which was an 11:26 pace…thinking that it was too slow for me, but the 2:15 was sure as hell too fast for me right now.

The race ran south along the beach for about six miles before turning around. I love that 95 percent of my runs are along the beach these days. It still seems too good to be true some days.

I started with the 2:30 pace group, and I hung with them for the first eight miles, chatting with the pacer Caroline the entire time. But most of my runs lately have been a mix of walk-run, so after eight miles or so of no walking other than water stations, I needed a walk.

And this is when the wheels slid off. When I started to run again, my legs felt like lead, and I was struggling to breathe. (I’ve had some tightness in my chest lately…) I did a little more walk/run until I got to nine and started texting friends that I was at mile 9 and really wanted to quit—but wouldn’t. “I’ll walk it in before I quit,” I told them. And I did walk most of that ninth mile. FUCK THAT, I thought…while simultaneously being really disappointed in myself I had to walk so much.

“Just keep shuffling,” one of my friends wrote back. I don’t think I’ve ever pulled out my phone to text during a race, but I don’t think a race ever felt so hard to me before. My friends’ words felt motivating, and it filled my heart to know there were people cheering me on.

At mile 11, there was a mile out-and-back to get in two extra miles, and I just. wanted. to. be. done. At one point, I saw the pacer opposite me and felt disappointed I hadn’t been able to keep up with her.

My ego totally ran the show on this race. I had a really hard time almost the entire time not comparing myself to past me, whose PR was 1:48. Who, untrained, could run a ~2:05.

I waited to write this recap to see if I’d see any of this in a different light. I’m proud of myself for finishing this half—especially when I so badly wanted to quit—but it’s just so hard for me to not wonder if, even with more training, if I’ll ever get any of that speed back or if it’s time to kiss my old PRs goodbye.

Me, after the race.

And also me after the race.

I finished in 2:39:13, which is a personal worst, but I fought for every goddamn second of that, and I have a newfound respect for back-of-the-packers.