The thing about a comeback is that it makes all those accomplishments you once took for granted that much sweeter.

I ran 10 miles this morning, which used to be a pretty regular Saturday or Sunday morning for me in the past. I ran 10 miles a few weeks ago—and that felt just as sweet!—but other than that, I haven’t run double digits since I finished the New York City Marathon in 2017.

I’ve been lucky to run most of my long runs with a friend these past few weeks, so I wasn’t so much looking forward to running 10 solo. (And would like to keep running with people, so if you’re in LA and a runner…) I wondered if there were any races I could use for part of my long run, and I found that A Better World Running, a local race series was hosting a 5K/10K/15K/half-marathon this morning. PERFECT! I signed up for the 15K last night, figuring if I couldn’t run with a friend, at least there’d be others out there for motivation. When I woke up, I was feeling a little nervous (I am just so in my head about running, but I’m working hard on it), so I watched my trusty Alec Baldwin NYC marathon video to pump myself up/cry before running.

It ran along the beach path (so, yes, I paid to run on the path I run on for free every day  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ), so I ran a mile to warm up and make sure I got to 10 for the day. The race is so tiny and cute, and there couldn’t have been more than 100 people there. I saw a few people in NYRR race t-shirts, and I wanted to go up to them and say HI DID YOU JUST MOVE HERE TOO CAN WE BE FRIENDS but decided it was too early to be creepy. (I did tell myself if I spotted them later on I’d ask though.)

The course was three loops of 3.1, and the 3.1 was an out-and-back. (All these loops—such mental training.) For LA peeps: it started just by Shutters on the Beach and turned around at Idaho (no you da ho) Ave. My loose plan going into this was to walk at all the turnarounds, since I take loooots of walk breaks these days. I ended up walking a little more frequently than that. I don’t really do any kind of run-walk method? I just pick a point up ahead of me to start running again.

I had my AirPods in my running belt, and I told myself I could pull them out if I needed them, but to start without them and save them for motivation. (I’ve been telling run coaching clients similar lately—save the music for a pump up!) Well, I never needed them! This is also a small victory—99% of my runs these days are with them in. I otherwise occupied time by trying to figure out what race everyone was running (my bib started with a 7, and I think 5K bibs started with 5, 10K with 6 and half with 9?) and what loop they were on.

Finishing the second loop, heading towards the 10K, I started telling myself I could just call it at the 10K and then do three more on my own. I caught myself and literally said SHH out loud (quietly?) to myself and my self-defeating thoughts. My anxiety has been high lately, and even though this was the most low-key race ever, being in a race situation made me feel like I should be running faster. Nah, Theodora, you do you, and if you means stopping and taking longer walk breaks, that’s cool.

I’d seen my friend Carolyn on one of the previous loops, and I ran into her as I was beginning the third lap. “Run with me???” I asked/begged. “Sure!” she said, “but just until the pier.” Well, my friends, we passed the pier, and she was still running with me. YESSSSS. She ended up running the whole third lap with me, and I was endlessly grateful.

My mileage is still low because I was too anxious to run earlier in the month and missed out on some runs, but I’m chipping away at it all, one run at a time. When I moved here less than four months ago, I ran a 5K this same series hosted and felt winded after—today I ran three times that and felt AWESOME. I’m proud of myself for the progress I’ve made this summer in my running.

I finished in 1:39:11, a 10:38 pace. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to look up my 15K PR to compare it to this, but I know that won’t help me. I am where I am today; so much has changed since then.

I’m sitting at my kitchen table, eating dinner and staring past my balcony at the dreamy sunset, the ocean glowing almost purple. The Santa Monica pier in the distance, the Ferris wheel lit up in neon. A chill AF playlist is on in the background, and some dreamy singer-songwriter is strumming his guitar.

At this exact second, I feel like I’m in some cheesy movie or show about the girl who moves to LA after her life falls apart.

When I meet someone new here, and they ask me why I moved here, I tell them that the short answer is that I’ve had a tough few years and LA was my happy place, so I moved to my happy place.

I’m three months in, and the novelty is just starting to wear off a little. I live here now. I go to the beach everyday, because that’s my new normal. It’s as normal to me as getting on the subway was in NYC. (Hi, upgrade.) I look out and see both mountains and ocean. But I also go grocery shopping, pay through the nose for gas, sit in traffic and run errands.

And, as my therapist keeps reminding me, wherever you go, there you are. I haven’t been immune to feeling intense depression or anxiety since I moved here. I’ve still had some dark thoughts, though they’re more fleeting than they used to be. For about two weeks, I was having panic attacks nearly every day, to the point I was getting afraid to leave my apartment.

The difference? I have more space to relax (both literally and figuratively). When I walk down my street, it’s uncommon to see more than two or three people in a block, rather than the crush of people just crossing the sidewalk in NYC. I have a car (that I am obsessed with) where I can belt out 90s music to my heart’s content. (So, I am listening to the same music I was the last time I drove regularly, really.)

Some days, it feels like I’m on vacation. Some days it feels like I’ve lived here forever. I’ve had a few times in the past week or so where I’ve run into a friend, and that makes me feel like a part of this fabric, rather than a thread sitting awkwardly on top of it.

This may be incredibly naive, but I underestimated what a big change this would be. I’m so glad I made this change, though. Who knows where this will take me, but right now I am grateful to be just where I am.