I am RIDICULOUSLY hard on myself. My former (not old, cause she’s not!) boss used to tell me she didn’t put too much pressure on me, because she know I put more than enough pressure on myself. My parents always said some variation of that while I was in school. (And, um, still.)
My mom and I talked some about this while we were away. I am, indeed, really hard on myself. Why? I know I am capable of so much more. Also, I have some ridiculously talented/awe-inspiring friends/mentors/colleagues/family members. I chalked my mom’s admonition up to just that, a mother’s admonition that I was too hard on myself.
Until tonight, when Joel said he felt a sense of urgency in me. I had a feeling I knew what he was getting at, but I asked him anyway. “Your blog, your running, your trying to find a new job…you put a lot on your plate [no pun intended],” he said.
And it’s true, I do. I’m constantly thinking about how to better myself, which is healthy, but perhaps I fixate on being perfect. The perfect job. The perfect apt (okay, mine’s pretty damn close!). The perfect body (also getting pretty damn close!). The perfect boyfriend (nowhere close.) Being completely organized. Being totally in control of my finances. Coming up with great ideas for the Junior League committee I’m a vice-chair of. Keeping up with friendships — both old ones and new ones I’m cultivating. I do have a hard time relaxing with all of this constantly on my mind.
…that I’m still single.
…that this blog hasn’t landed me a book deal (yet!)
…that I haven’t blogged myself to my ideal job yet.
…that I’m not sure what my ideal job is yet.
…that I still have some fat on my stomach.
…that I don’t have a lot of money saved (cause I have some saved, and I do have a 401k, which is way more than I can say for some people my age.)
…that my job isn’t my ideal job. (At least I have a job.)
…that I’m not making as much money as some of my friends (see: At least I have a job/college education/ambition.)
…that I’m not at the stage in my career I thought I’d be by now.
…that I’m still kinda disorganized sometimes.
…that I signed up for three half-marathons before the one that I WILL RUN in January.
…that I totally miss a lot of pop culture references because I don’t watch a ton of TV.
…that my dog isn’t well-behaved enough to bring in stores (but goddamn, is he cute!)
…that sometimes I am forgetful.
…that I’m not the greatest cook in the world.
…that my Tumblarity is half what it was this time last week. (WTF?!)
…that I have a hard time planning meals in advance and spend $10.25 a few times a week on some brown rice, bison meatballs, guacamole and some vegetables.
…that the Starbucks baristas know me, if not by name, by order.
…that I don’t have all the answers yet. (BECAUSE I’M 26. I do forget this sometimes :))
Because hey, that’s just who I am. And I’m working on the stuff I’m not happy with that’s within my control. And I know it won’t all come at once. And really, that would be kinda overwhelming anyway. But most of all, I’m working on just enjoying life. And tonight that means some 30 Rock and The Office and stepping away from my dashboard.