As I look back in my blog archives to refer a friend or a coworker to a post, or just to find a photo for myself, I remember lighter days.
Before my mom got sick. Before she passed away. Before accompanying my mom to a doctor’s appointment at Columbia changed our lives forever on November 23, 2015.
I read others’ blogs talking about their day to day and long for that lightness.
One of the things my therapist and I discussed was finding ways to still feel connected to my mom, and she said to think about what in my personality I got from my mom. I asked my friends and family what they thought and one of my best friends said this: “if you were with her, you had a little more life. She injected this vitality into people she created relationships with.”
My vitality feels like it will be forever dimmed from my loss, but I know that’s not what she would want. A few months ago, as I visited her in the hospital on a Sunday afternoon, my dad asked if I could stay a little longer while he ran home. I had a date that night, but I was prepared to cancel it or push it back to be at my mom’s side. As my dad left, she asked if I had plans that night. Let it be known that I am a terrible liar, so she saw right through me when I said no, I didn’t have plans. “Do you have a date, Theodora? You should go on your date.”
So, while I’ll always carry some degree of that heaviness in my heart, I am beginning to heal slowly and striving to look for enjoyment and normalcy where I can and appreciate every. god. damned. day.
Like going to the U.S. Open, one of my favorite times of year. It had totally slipped my mind, but I remembered a week or so ago and bought tickets — and saw an EPIC match between Venus Williams and Sloane Stephens with my dear friend Blake.
I went to Mile High yesterday morning and had a great workout even if I felt like ass.
I’m doing the Teal Walk tomorrow with my friends and getting crafty tonight.
Amazon epicly screwed me on delivery, so instead of this tutu, we’re going DIY at it. You know you have epic friends when not only do they plan to run a memorial run with you, but help you DIY tutu the night before. Nobody will ever fill the hole my mom left, but my amazing friends are certainly doing a stellar job of patching it up around the edges.
Some Things I’ve Enjoyed Lately
This magic candle — who knows how it actually “works” but it brings me some comfort
These Gabby Bernstein ~ tarot cards ~. The affirmations have brought me a bit of peace in this time of inner turmoil.
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion — it’s a beautiful read about her losing her husband and daughter and the crazy tricks and mental gymnastics our brains in times of grief
I’m trying really hard to alternate heavy books with lighter ones, so also reading The Vacationers by Emma Straub
I’m doing a lot of offline writing and these notebooks give me life.
I’m one of those weirdos who started putting collagen in my coffee. Will report back!
Instagram grid layouts — currently thinking on this one for work
OK, I meant for this to try to be light-hearted, but I guess I’m not quite there yet. What cheers you up, and what have you loved lately?
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone down south in the path of Irma <3
I just wanted to say a year later on November 23rd, 2016, my daughter was born at Columbia (after 8 weeks of bedrest and being told she had a 50/50 chance of survival, she is now a perfectly healthy and happy 9 month old). I lost my dad in March and then my beloved dog in April. I’m so sorry for your loss. Moms are really just special and there’s no replacing the hole there now. I hope it gets easier for you as you try to put one foot in front of the other. My friend who’s husband died almost two years ago says the first year is the hardest.
I’m so glad your sweet daughter is ok and I’m sorry to hear about your dad and dog. I had to give up my dog this year as well (which I haven’t written about, because it’s very complex) — he’s still alive, but it’s another kind of loss during a tough, tough year.
I love that you got one of the candles from House of Intuition. I was talking with my friend about it and we both agreed that whether or not it “works”, the sentiment is still there.
I’m SO intrigued by those instagram grids. Maybe I will have to implement
And of course sending some lightness your way. Miss you
My friend had one and swore by it…and why the hell not? It brings me some weird amount of comfort, and that’s all I can ask for right now.
The IG grids: I think in practice, it would be pretty difficult, but still gonna try. I guess it’s time to move on from my every third quote??? (You never thought that’d happen, huh?)
And let’s meet up for a coffee/smoothie/class/all of the above sometime soon? <3