For most of 2017, I had a hard time making any kind of travel plans. What if something happened to my mom? That fear was always in the back of my head, every single time I got on a train or a plane to somewhere that wasnâ€™t Franklin Lakes, NJ or Manhattan.
I made so many contingency plans: if â€œitâ€ (the â€œitâ€ obviously being her passing that we couldnâ€™t put into words for fear saying the words would make it true) happened when I was away, Iâ€™d obviously come back right away. After going to Australia the week after a big emergency surgery she had, I was afraid to book any new travel and anything I did book, I bought travel insurance for and knew there was a chance I might not go.
But when she did pass away on July 8, I knew I wanted to get away. Once it became apparent this spring that she might not make it through the year, I started telling friends I just couldnâ€™t wait to get away after. To get on a plane and go somewhere different than where Iâ€™d spent the past 9 months worrying about her.
A number of my friends have moved to LA recently, and so LA became my destination. I had this weekend, Labor Day, booked in the Hamptons since earlier this year (and have done the same for the past 4 Labor Days), and I ran into friends at the Junior League that said they were going to East Hampton in early August, did I want to come? I would have taken any plane, train or automobile to be in some sort of new surroundings and I spent as much of August away as I could.Â
The past few weeks have become a new level of hard as the shock wears off and shifts into accepting the cold, stark reality of my new life without my best friend, my mom, but Iâ€™m proud of how I salvaged the summer.
I wrote on Instagram how the end of summer is always sad to me (Team Summer ALL THE WAY here), but obviously the end of this summer is bittersweet as I close this, the most difficult season of my life, and enter a new season and encounter even more â€œfirstsâ€ with the holidays coming up and as I attempt not to play the â€œthis time last year/2 years ago/10 years ago, my mom and I were ____â€ game.
For that reason, I want summer to end as much as I donâ€™t. This summer was so painful and sad, but also beautiful. Every day/week/month/season that goes by makes me feel that much more disconnected from our time together, and Iâ€™m hanging on to time, as Iâ€™ve learned how precious every single second is.