I Don’t Want to Be…

I just posted on Instagram today that I’m not running the NYC Marathon. Embedding the post below for the why.

View this post on Instagram

I’d been feeling a little more private lately—and vulnerable and scared of sharing things, tbh—but I also know I feel the most me when I’m connecting with others. 🏃🏼‍♀️ So…I’m not running #tcsnycmarathon. I’m just not in the shape to feel strong on race day. I still have a long way to go—despite training up to and running that 13.1, even three-milers feel pretty hard most of the time. It’s just not my year, and that was hard to accept, but I’m there. I don’t want to hate what’s always been my favorite day ever. 🏃🏼‍♀️ As marathoners, we like to think we can push through anything, but to what end?

A post shared by Theodora Blanchfield (@theodorable) on

I don’t want to be the woman who tells you I don’t think I have the strength to run a marathon right now when I’ve been the woman who took more than an hour off of her marathon time.

I don’t want to be the woman who keeps writing about depression when I’ve been the woman who’s felt on top of the world and so happy with her life. Who went to inpatient treatment and moved to her dream place and is still deeply struggling with depression.

I’m scared of what you’ll say. I’ve internalized so much of the mental illness stigma that I can’t just get past things, that I’m weak, that I’m a burden, bla bla bla.

But as much as that’s not the image I want to be sharing—I so desperately want to just be on the other side—that’s who I am right now, and I’m working on accepting that. And for as much as I’d love to be sharing about carefree adventures in California, it’s so important for me to be sharing my truth. It helps me, and as I always say, if it helps just one of you, it’s worth it.

I saw this today, and it so perfectly captures how I’m feeling right now—so happy to be living in California, freelancing, but also still deeply hurting, and working like hell on the healing process.

I’m trying a new depression treatment right now, and it’s really promising. Nothing will cure chronic depression/bipolar/whatever it is I have, but this treatment gives me a lot of hope for a better quality of life, and I’ve seen some of that already. I’ll share more about it when I’m done, but I’m still in the midst of it, and I’m processing it privately before I share it publicly.

But for now, it feels good to be back here again, sharing.

12 comments on “I Don’t Want to Be…

  1. Lindsay

    I want to be the person who has a “normal” relationship with food, the person who finds happiness, the person who isn’t always spiraling downward into the darkness. I keep hanging on to even the smallest glimmer of hope that things will get better.

  2. Joan

    As always, I think you’re doing a great job. Sometimes doing a great job can look to the outside world like “not doing anything” but you and I know that there’s nothing further from the truth. The inside work is the hardest part. You rock. And I’m always a text away if you need a listener.

  3. Katie Glendening

    I’m on the other side of a depressive episode and all I can offer is just keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You may not be running the NYC marathon, but I believe you are in a different kind of marathon (at least that’s what it felt like for me). Some days, the “finish line” whatever that looked like for that day (being happy, participating in life, getting out of bed) seemed so far away. I can look back and see the each time I took a step in the right direction, I was learning to live my life the best way I could. I’m rooting for you and here if you ever want to talk.

    1. Theodora Blanchfield Post author

      Thank you <3 I certainly can see that I'm learning to live my life the best way I can, and how far I've come in that regard, and damn you're right if this isn't a different kind of marathon.

  4. Abby

    As always, thank you for your vulnerability and truth. I am inspired by your journey and agree so much with the others who commented – this work you’re doing is a marathon and you are brave and strong. xo

  5. Catherine

    I enjoy reading about what you are up to, no matter what you are posting about, and whatever mood you are in. Your truths are who you are, and this is your space. Love to you from a complete stranger who is just along for the ride!

  6. Erin

    Man, hang in there, Theodora. With depression, I think the victory is embedded within the fight. Whenever I catch myself thinking that I can’t wait to be on the other side, or when I feel like a burden or like I am not “winning,” I try to remind myself that I already have won simply by looking the thing in its face and saying its name. You are brave and strong.


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