I ran the Manhattan Beach 10K last year, and I can’t find a recap for it—did I really not write one? If so, that’s a shame, because I love this race.

As I walked down to my car yesterday, I already felt such a sense of belonging. Having run this race two years in a row makes me feel like I have a tradition in my new home.

I was treated to this beautiful sunrise upon getting out of my car, and I was lucky to only have a short walk to the start and bib pickup. (I was nervous about the parking situation but it was super smooth.) I allowed so much time for pickup, but it took literally 30 seconds.

I met up with Carolyn and Gillian, and it made me so happy to feel like I’m part of the running community here already and that I have running buds.

Meggie met up a few minutes later, and we ended up running together the whole time. She’s a doctor and one of my smartest friends, so she’s just so interesting to talk to, so we chatted the entire time and the race flew by!

The course is a little hilly—lots of rollers, but Manhattan Beach is pretty hilly, so, to be expected. I love the course, though. It mostly runs on Ardmore and Valley, a greenway maybe about a mile east of the beach.

I remember running the first half with my friend Jen last year and letting her go ahead of me once we reached the top of that incline on mile 3, and I was dying. This time, Meggie and I ran all the hills, and I was really proud of myself for that. We walked maybe two or three times, but not for longer than 15-30 seconds, and starting running never felt hard afterwards (which is not alway the case after starting to walk again!)

Although I go to the beach nearly daily now (!), it will never get old to me, and the race takes an AGGRESSIVE downhill turn at mile 5 to get down to the beach, and you run on the strand for the last mile-ish, with the pier in view. My therapist is bicoastal, and when she’s in town, we do our sessions on the pier, so it’s a special and healing place to me now.

The strand is fun to run on because it’s on the beach, of course, but it’s fun to look at all the gorgeous houses there. Last year, I remember more people out cheering for us, but maybe Meggie and I were too deep in conversation for me to remember.

The Manhattan Beach 10K has such a great hometown feel, and yesterday was the 42nd running of it, so it’s a well-oiled machine now.

We finished in 1:04:17, which was only 10 seconds slower than I ran last year! (10:20 pace) Years ago, I would have considered that so slow for myself, but yesterday I was so happy for it. I felt really strong the entire time, and I haven’t felt strong running in a really long time, so I was so #endorphinwasted.

There was a little expo afterwards, and I got this really good Koia protein drink with almond milk. I’m not usually a protein drink person, but this hit the spot. It’s all plant protein, which I like because I’m allergic to whey. (Insert no whey joke here :))

We found a teenage girl to take our photo after, and they are EXPERTS at taking good photos.

Afterwards, we all went for brunch at Superba Food & Bread in Manhattan Beach, and we just had a really good time geeking out about running and talking about the Alberto Salazar scandal and other running gossip.

Afterwards, Meggie and I went to get our nails done in that same little shopping center, and it just felt like such a great little morning with friends.

I had plans to meet up with a friend afterwards to take a walk, and I was BEAT. I’m so not a napper, but I went home and passed the eff out for a little bit, and it was glorious. My friend and I walked for probably about four miles, and it was also so much fun. This is only the second time we’ve hung out, but we have a ton in common, so it felt like I was hanging out with an old friend.

32,000 steps later, I was so, so beat and so happy to get home to my couch and ordering takeout tacos.

Yesterday was a perfect day that made me feel really part of a community in my new home after I’d been feeling a little lonely recently. Can I bottle up yesterday? I also ran four miles with another friend this morning, and I am just so happy right now. I’m sitting at my kitchen table writing this staring out at the ocean, the Santa Monica Pier and the mountains, and I feel very lucky right now.

I just posted on Instagram today that I’m not running the NYC Marathon. Embedding the post below for the why.

View this post on Instagram

I’d been feeling a little more private lately—and vulnerable and scared of sharing things, tbh—but I also know I feel the most me when I’m connecting with others. 🏃🏼‍♀️ So…I’m not running #tcsnycmarathon. I’m just not in the shape to feel strong on race day. I still have a long way to go—despite training up to and running that 13.1, even three-milers feel pretty hard most of the time. It’s just not my year, and that was hard to accept, but I’m there. I don’t want to hate what’s always been my favorite day ever. 🏃🏼‍♀️ As marathoners, we like to think we can push through anything, but to what end?

A post shared by Theodora Blanchfield (@theodorable) on Oct 3, 2019 at 7:06am PDT

I don’t want to be the woman who tells you I don’t think I have the strength to run a marathon right now when I’ve been the woman who took more than an hour off of her marathon time.

I don’t want to be the woman who keeps writing about depression when I’ve been the woman who’s felt on top of the world and so happy with her life. Who went to inpatient treatment and moved to her dream place and is still deeply struggling with depression.

I’m scared of what you’ll say. I’ve internalized so much of the mental illness stigma that I can’t just get past things, that I’m weak, that I’m a burden, bla bla bla.

But as much as that’s not the image I want to be sharing—I so desperately want to just be on the other side—that’s who I am right now, and I’m working on accepting that. And for as much as I’d love to be sharing about carefree adventures in California, it’s so important for me to be sharing my truth. It helps me, and as I always say, if it helps just one of you, it’s worth it.

I’m trying a new depression treatment right now, and it’s really promising. Nothing will cure chronic depression/bipolar/whatever it is I have, but this treatment gives me a lot of hope for a better quality of life, and I’ve seen some of that already. I’ll share more about it when I’m done, but I’m still in the midst of it, and I’m processing it privately before I share it publicly.

But for now, it feels good to be back here again, sharing.