As I look back in my blog archives to refer a friend or a coworker to a post, or just to find a photo for myself, I remember lighter days.

Before my mom got sick. Before she passed away. Before accompanying my mom to a doctor’s appointment at Columbia changed our lives forever on November 23, 2015. 

I read others’ blogs talking about their day to day and long for that lightness. 

One of the things my therapist and I discussed was finding ways to still feel connected to my mom, and she said to think about what in my personality I got from my mom. I asked my friends and family what they thought and one of my best friends said this: “if you were with her, you had a little more life. She injected this vitality into people she created relationships with.” 

My vitality feels like it will be forever dimmed from my loss, but I know that’s not what she would want. A few months ago, as I visited her in the hospital on a Sunday afternoon, my dad asked if I could stay a little longer while he ran home. I had a date that night, but I was prepared to cancel it or push it back to be at my mom’s side. As my dad left, she asked if I had plans that night. Let it be known that I am a terrible liar, so she saw right through me when I said no, I didn’t have plans. “Do you have a date, Theodora? You should go on your date.”

So, while I’ll always carry some degree of that heaviness in my heart, I am beginning to heal slowly and striving to look for enjoyment and normalcy where I can and appreciate every. god. damned. day. 

Like going to the U.S. Open, one of my favorite times of year. It had totally slipped my mind, but I remembered a week or so ago and bought tickets — and saw an EPIC match between Venus Williams and Sloane Stephens with my dear friend Blake.

I went to Mile High yesterday morning and had a great workout even if I felt like ass. 

I’m doing the Teal Walk tomorrow with my friends and getting crafty tonight. 

Amazon epicly screwed me on delivery, so instead of this tutu, we’re going DIY at it. You know you have epic friends when not only do they plan to run a memorial run with you, but help you DIY tutu the night before. Nobody will ever fill the hole my mom left, but my amazing friends are certainly doing a stellar job of patching it up around the edges.

Some Things I’ve Enjoyed Lately

This magic candle — who knows how it actually “works” but it brings me some comfort

These Gabby Bernstein ~ tarot cards ~. The affirmations have brought me a bit of peace in this time of inner turmoil.

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion — it’s a beautiful read about her losing her husband and daughter and the crazy tricks and mental gymnastics our brains in times of grief

I’m trying really hard to alternate heavy books with lighter ones, so also reading The Vacationers by Emma Straub

I’m doing a lot of offline writing and these notebooks give me life.

I’m one of those weirdos who started putting collagen in my coffee. Will report back!

11 ways to practice self-care

Instagram grid layouts — currently thinking on this one for work

OK, I meant for this to try to be light-hearted, but I guess I’m not quite there yet. What cheers you up, and what have you loved lately?

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone down south in the path of Irma <3 

For most of 2017, I had a hard time making any kind of travel plans. What if something happened to my mom? That fear was always in the back of my head, every single time I got on a train or a plane to somewhere that wasn’t Franklin Lakes, NJ or Manhattan.

I made so many contingency plans: if “it” (the “it” obviously being her passing that we couldn’t put into words for fear saying the words would make it true) happened when I was away, I’d obviously come back right away. After going to Australia the week after a big emergency surgery she had, I was afraid to book any new travel and anything I did book, I bought travel insurance for and knew there was a chance I might not go.

But when she did pass away on July 8, I knew I wanted to get away. Once it became apparent this spring that she might not make it through the year, I started telling friends I just couldn’t wait to get away after. To get on a plane and go somewhere different than where I’d spent the past 9 months worrying about her.

A number of my friends have moved to LA recently, and so LA became my destination. I had this weekend, Labor Day, booked in the Hamptons since earlier this year (and have done the same for the past 4 Labor Days), and I ran into friends at the Junior League that said they were going to East Hampton in early August, did I want to come? I would have taken any plane, train or automobile to be in some sort of new surroundings and I spent as much of August away as I could. 

The past few weeks have become a new level of hard as the shock wears off and shifts into accepting the cold, stark reality of my new life without my best friend, my mom, but I’m proud of how I salvaged the summer.

I wrote on Instagram how the end of summer is always sad to me (Team Summer ALL THE WAY here), but obviously the end of this summer is bittersweet as I close this, the most difficult season of my life, and enter a new season and encounter even more “firsts” with the holidays coming up and as I attempt not to play the “this time last year/2 years ago/10 years ago, my mom and I were ____” game.

For that reason, I want summer to end as much as I don’t. This summer was so painful and sad, but also beautiful. Every day/week/month/season that goes by makes me feel that much more disconnected from our time together, and I’m hanging on to time, as I’ve learned how precious every single second is.