For most of my life, Iâ€™ve tried to hold on to whatever kind of control I could, in hopes that I could change outcomes, change how the story ended in a more favorable way.
When my mother died of ovarian cancer last year, I learned how little control we have.
That I maybe no longer wanted to know how the story ended, because Iâ€™d experienced a bad ending. (I can fully admit that I led a pretty fucking charmed life up until then, other than some job shit and mild mental health issuesâ€¦so of course this loss devastated me. I had never experienced something so devastating that couldnâ€™t be changed.)
Even throughout the worst of my grief, I wanted to know how my story ended. Did I recover? HOW? Would I ever be happy again?Â
When I decided to give LA a try, even a month ago, I wanted to know how this, too, would end. Would I stay? Would I be happy? Was I making the right decision?
And then I signed up for yoga teacher training. It may seem like sort of a whim on the outside, but Iâ€™ve been thinking about it since 2013. Also, earlier this summer when I was still struggling pretty fiercely, my psychiatrist and I talked about an intensive outpatient program out here. Instead, I just booked a trip out here the next week, and it was a much-needed band-aid at that moment in time. We revisited the idea of IOP a few weeks later and decided that the focus of these programs wasnâ€™t quite what I needed right now. â€œI donâ€™t know,â€ she said, â€œI think you just need some kind of really intense soul searching more than a clinical program.â€ And she and my therapist both agreed I needed more structure in my life.
My therapist also strongly suggested I needed more yoga in my lifeâ€¦and I started putting all these pieces together: what if, beyond just more yoga, I did a yoga teacher training? 2/2 mental health professionals agreed it would be a great idea and also reminded me that it, too, would bring up more emotions in its own way, but that ultimately it sounded like a good idea.
On the registration form, they asked if we were taking the training to deepen our own practices or if we planned on teaching.
I wish there had been a â€œnot sureâ€ box, because Iâ€™m not. The idea of teaching in front of a class nauseates me right now (I am somewhat more shy than youâ€™d expect), but that might change throughout the course of the training. Either way, I know that the experience will change me, and that IÂ do want to find a way to bring the healing power of yoga (/fitness in general) to others. (Iâ€™m still taking on run coaching clients, too, if youâ€™ve been thinking about it!)
I donâ€™t know if Iâ€™ll stay in LA.
I donâ€™t know if Iâ€™ll end up teaching yoga in a traditional sense.
But I know Iâ€™m open toÂ allÂ of this and experiencing it for all itâ€™s worth. (â€œDo all the healing shit in LA, Theodora,â€ was actual clinical advice I received and I AM HERE FOR IT. SOMEONE POINT ME TO MORE CRYSTALS.)
P.S. I find it no coincidence that itâ€™s been fairly cloudy and foggy in LA this week and the sun just came out. HI MOM.
What are you trying to be more open to right now?