Depression Wanted to Steal My Will to Live

*Content/trigger warning: this post discusses self-harm/suicidal ideation.

**I know some of you will be thinking “I had no idea you felt this way”—that’s why I am sharing this.

**

Super Bowl night, I found myself in the ER again, squirming in a hospital gown with no underwear. There, again, of my own doing, chasing the Super Bowl drinks I’d had with pills, giving into the voice in my head that said I was better off dead, where I wouldn’t feel that deep, paralyzing emotional pain.

They asked if I wanted to admit myself, and I politely declined. Having been down this road before, I know that the psych ward is for stabilization and safety. I believed I was safe at the moment from doing this again, knowing I’d end up right back in that ER. But what about a month from now? A year from now? I feared I’d ultimately be successful at completing suicide. As much as I didn’t want to live then, I didn’t want to die, either.

After the first trip to the ER, a friend and her mom insisted I go to an inpatient treatment center. The hospital suggested I do an IOP (intensive outpatient program—it’s 3-5 hours of therapy a day, five days a week). I don’t need that, I told myself and them.

I thought I could manage my depression—or the diagnosis I later received, bipolar II—on my own, with therapy once a week and monthly psychiatrist appointments. Meaning: doing the same thing I was doing. What’s the definition of insanity? Ah yes, doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Waking up in the bright light of my bedroom on that cold February morning, I knew if nothing changed, nothing changed, and I knew what I needed to do: attend an inpatient program

Read the full post on Medium

16 comments on “Depression Wanted to Steal My Will to Live

  1. Hillary Gras

    I am so grateful that you are still alive. Thank you for sharing. The work never stops. You are WORTH IT.

    Reply
  2. Katy

    Damn girl!? Who’s braver than you? Work your program everyday! You know what to do so keep doing it! Even when you’re feeling good. Kinda like taking a vitamin!

    Reply
  3. tracey

    I’ve been a long time blog reader/instagram follower. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Sending you love, peace and continued healing.

    Reply
  4. Allie

    One of the best (and bravest!) things you can do is share this story and I thank you for doing it because God knows, it’s not easy. I firmly believe the more we drag our mental health issues and struggles into the glaring light of the online world, the better everyone will be.
    You shined a HUGE light the first time I met you and I’m so thankful your light is still in the world! You have so much to contribute and so many people you are helping.
    Love you girl. It works if you work it!!

    Reply
  5. Joan

    I cannot tell you how much I appreciated you sharing this – and how, real talk, if I hadn’t read it exactly when I did, I might have been in a VERY different place myself instead of writing you this comment tonight, given this week’s events. You get all of the things – bipolar, anxiety, Mom loss, the wonder that is the journalism/blogging world and all its instability… and if you can do it, hopefully I can too.

    Reply
  6. Anne

    Late comment (I always say that, and it’s always true, sorry!) but I just wanted to say I am so glad you’re still here, I think you’re amazing for sharing your truth and your story and your journey, and I am still out here cheering you on. Thank you for your openness.

    Reply

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