Hi, I live here now?
Last week, I packed up three years in that apartment, 11 in NYC and 36 on the East Coast to give life on the West Coast a real try. Someone on Instagram asked why now and not when I tried it out in the fall. I don’t think I would have admitted it at the time, but I just wasn’t ready. I believe that this will ultimately be amazing for me, but I know it will also be difficult, and I just wasn’t ready to put myself through difficulty by choice. Even if it had the potential for an amazing payoff. But six weeks of intensive therapy made me realize that I *could* be happy in NYCÂ or LA (or anywhere), but where I *wanted* to be was LA. I’m so ready for this slower-paced, more active lifestyle. Oh, and sunshine.
Even though I was really ready for a change, leaving the city:
- I’d once considered the center of the universe
- that I’d always dreamed of living in
- and never saw myself leaving
- where my mom was diagnosed with and treated for ovarian cancer
- where some of my happiest childhood memories took place
- where some of my toughest adult memories took place
- that I’d lived in for 11 out of my 14 years out of college
- where I grew into myself
- that I thought defined me and my personality…
…was incredibly emotional. I rented a car to bring things back to NJ, and as I drove out of the city, I furiously wiped tears from my eyes as my Leaving New York playlist echoed in my ears. Driving downtown to the Holland Tunnel, I had a poignant moment stuck in traffic. With the Freedom Tower in front of me, and the general direction of my old apartment behind me, I saw my freedom ahead and the past behind meâ€”and I was really proud of myself for taking this leap. For moving all on my own.
Twelve weeks ago, I checked into an inpatient mental health center because I couldn’t safely care for myself, because I’d caused so much self-destruction. But last week, I made this massive move.
I’m beyond exhausted. I’m having some pretty terrible headaches. The list of what it’s in front of me to actually make this permanent is long: find a place (I’m Airbnbing right now with the goal of finding a place to move into for a June 1 lease start), figure out a car situation for the first time as an adult, get CA health insurance (which praise baby Jesus, is so much better on the exchange than it was in NY), etc etc. Of course, I want to tackle it all at once. But part of this move is learning to really nourish myself, and so I’m breaking it down manageablyâ€”while starting two major work projects this week. I will figure it out, and it doesn’t need to be all at once.
I got this.
(But also: looking for any tips you have on settling into big moves as an adult.) (Or any LA tips.)