Yesterday, I had an epiphany while riding my bike out to Montauk.

I do not enjoy biking enough to ride 56 miles. (After I’ve swam 1.2 and before running 13.1.)

I originally signed up for this Half-Ironman because I wanted a new challenge. I had run four marathons, and I had beat my sub-4 goal that I’d been trying for. I’d done some triathlons, and finally really enjoyed one. Its distance was closer to Olympic than a typical sprint, so I didn’t think I’d feel that challenged training for an Olympic.

I was freaking terrified, and I did a lot of waffling back and forth. Finally, I said I’d committed and started training.

I did the Franklin Lakes Tri and then I did the NYC Tri.

I traveled to the Hamptons and Savannah in July, and the Hamptons again this weekend. Each weekend, I should have done at least a 2-hour workout, but I only did that the first weekend in the Hamptons. In Savannah, I just straight up made every excuse in the world, and only went on an hour-long bike ride with Ashley and did maybe 20 minutes of open water swimming in the bay.

After my bike freakout, I decided my goal was to enjoy the NYC Tri, focus on that, and make any decisions about the HIM then.

I have to give a big shoutout to both my coach and Victoria for putting up with my triathlon crazies. Cause there were a lot of them. I doubted whether I could finish. I doubted whether I could finish without getting swept.

Finally, after one last great email from Victoria last week, I realized I really could do it. I threw myself back into my workouts (which was easy, since I had a slightly easier week after doing NYC.)

I headed out to the Hamptons Thursday night, and brought my bike. Instead, my friend Heather and I went on a 3-mile run Friday and one on Saturday.  Should I have been running more? (Or biking more? Or swimming more?) Yes. Did I care? Honestly, no, not really.

Around 2pm yesterday, I decided I couldn’t put it off any longer and needed to get on the bike. I had 2.5 hours on my plan, and the plan was to go out to Montauk and back. I took off, and I started getting into my head, as I tend to do on the bike. (Uh, and life.)

Just why was I doing this? I didn’t want to ride 2.5 hours yesterday afternoon because I’d rather be at the beach with my friends, yes, but I didn’t want to ride 2.5 hours or 3 hours or more next weekend, and more the weekend after that.

Once I finally realized I could do it, it actually freed up the space for me to realize I didn’t really want to do it. Not right now, or maybe not ever. (Unclear.)

I enjoyed learning more about biking and swimming leading up to the NYC Tri, but I don’t feel comfortable enough (or that I could become comfortable enough) riding 56 miles on the bike in the next 6 weeks.

I absolutely see more triathlons in my future (in fact, I’m thinking of looking at some shorter ones this year before the season’s up), but I think I need to really learn more and get more comfortable at shorter distances IF I want to do a longer distance.

I do believe I could have finished it, but it’s just not my priority right now.

Immediately I started thinking, “what’s my next goal?” When I told Heather this, she asked if I always had to have some sort of athletic goal.

Yup. I feel a lot more grounded and centered when I have some goal I’m reaching towards…

Unless it’s just not the goal for me right now.

I don’t know if I have another goal right now, or if I want one or need one.

Work, my friends and dating are my priorities right now. The idea of training for a long race now is as mentally exhausting as it is physically exhausting. I could certainly fit in the training if I want to, but I just don’t want to right now.

So, I emailed the lovely Ironman PR people this morning, thanked them for everything, and told them I’d be withdrawing, and they were very kind about it.

What I want to know from you: what else do you want to know about what I learned about triathlon training along the way? I also plan on doing a gear roundup of my favorite products soon, so let me know if you have any gear questions, too!

Google’s definition of what an athlete is says so much, don’t you think?

Proficient and skilled are a matter of opinion, but the Latin/Greek roots are pretty clear and the definition I’d been working with since I was on the tennis and gymnastic teams in high school (and briefly swimming and track, but those are stories for another day.)

A race is a competition, and I enter races all the time, but I don’t expect to win any prize other than an obligatory “yay, you finished!” medal and brunch afterwards. Maybe one day I’ll get an AG prize in a small race, but I’m not holding my breath.

Lately, I’ve been hearing the message, “if you move, you’re an athlete” or hearing recreational runners like myself calling themselves athletes. Maybe it’s part of the old me I haven’t let go yet, but I didn’t consider myself an athlete.

But last week, I went to the Under Armour I Will What I Want launch.

I saw that epic Misty Copeland ad you may have seen once or twice by now, and we heard the CEO, Kevin Plank, talk. He wants to change the way women think of themselves as athletes — if you go to Pilates, if you do ballet, if you do yoga, if you do triathlons, you’re an athlete. (He also, obviously, wants to sell clothes, but I still like the emphasis he’s taking on women’s athleticism.)

Sitting in a big room full of reporters, with Misty on stage watching her own ad, I got the chills and still do watching it. Lindsey Vonn and Kelly O’Hara are two other badass female athletes part of this I Will What I Want campaign.

They’re not ready to take no for an answer. Lindsey Vonn said she wants to be the best skiier of all time. Misty Copeland said she wanted to be the first African-American lead of a ballet. I don’t believe these women are taking no for an answer, and I think we recreational athletes can do the same.

I won’t lie that that slogan crossed my mind a few times during the tri. I wanted to finish, and I will, I told myself.

What do you want that you will make happen? What do you consider the definition of athlete? Do you consider yourself an athlete?